Jokes Thread

Probably an old joke but i thought that it was worth sharing.

What If Condoms Had Sponsors?
Nike Condoms: Just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good
M&M's Condoms: Melts in your mouth not in your hands

yeah, u just posted someone whos 2x the size of a regular person twice. sooooo u just posted 4 people


and why does the hole in the tree look like a vagina?

I uploaded the wrong picture.

Tomorrow I'm going to be doing some standup comedy at an open mic night here at uni, so I thought I'd share a few jokes with you guys from my set. Constructive criticism is heavily appreciated

"What flies and wobbles? A jellycopter. Or a spastic duck. Or Marty McFly on a hang-glider."

"What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment.
What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.
What do you give a sick horse?
...a bullet."

"I'm very self-conscious about my sense of humour, because I used to tell a lot of jokes as a kid, but my parents never saw the funny side.
Because they're blind.
People have told me that last joke is quite offensive, but it really isn't, blind people just have no sense of humour."

"Despite all my jokes, I believe very strongly in tolerance and acceptance of all people and faiths. That's why I urge you all to join me as a member of the Church of Scientology."

I've got some other material but it's more story-based and relies on performance a lot more. Just tell me what you think!

r u a bo burnham fan?

i actually was LOL that was funny alex... i want more xD

dare de-vil wrote:

r u a bo burnham fan?

<3 Bo Burnham, he's fantastically funny. Plus his song Art Is Dead is so damn dark and self-destroying I can't help but identify with him lol

DreamCatcher wrote:

i actually was LOL that was funny alex... i want more xD

I'm glad you like, it's a bit nervewracking because I'm fully aware I have a dark sense of humour and not everyone can handle the twisted humour

Wow that dude was amazing!

The blind people thing was really funny! The rest, well, I didn't get them lol.

the reason i asked alex was cuz im also a bo fan & the jokes kinda looked liked the kind of jokes he does & i dont know if ur naturally similar to him that way, or if he u decided ud take some of his stuff & use him as like, an idol or something lol (he is, afterall, a great comedian to model after). the guy is fuckin hysterical

I think I've always had a similar sense of humour to Bo, but I've consciously tried to write jokes in the same quickfire format he uses. His haiku poetry in particular I absolutely love. I'm still working on my overall comic style though, so it's hard to say how my standup compares to his in terms of style or content, because both tend to vary for me at the moment.

Probably the best internet prank that I've seen.

[youtube]<object width="640" height="510"><param name="movie" value="https://www.youtube.com/v/ioU65mJ46Uk?version=3&amp;hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="https://www.youtube.com/v/ioU65mJ46Uk?version=3&amp;hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="640" height="510" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>[/youtube]

It's not letting me embed the video, so here's the link. Also, if someone can fix it, please do.

that was really funny

tl;dw

dare de-vil wrote:

tl;dw

seconded.

just saw that on 9gag the other day hahaha

Chad's first day on the job

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no post. too bad.

It was suppose to be this picture

http://sgtsatine.tumblr.com/post/6852435500

time for some 5-finger discounts xD