Jokes Thread

w3ll zaiD...jejeje

Mr. Mike wrote:

email forwarded 2 me from my house mate:

Quote :

I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

dare de-vil wrote:

Mr. Mike wrote:

email forwarded 2 me from my house mate:

Quote :

I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

I would have found this funny before my Uncle Jack died in that horse rape incident...

2nd

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on 2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two whores."

3rd

This joke is (c) yours truly XD

I like drinking wine, but you have to be careful. For some reason, people get angry if you tell them you like the taste of a fruity eleven year-old.

WTF is up with the world>!>!?>?!?!?! i had ONE craxynight out with my friend s and i lost my walllet, my phone isnt working and now i dont even undwerstand alex's posts!!!oh god!!! im too high to be on the internet!!!!

ems wrote:

WTF is up with the world>!>!?>?!?!?! i had ONE craxynight out with my friend s and i lost my walllet, my phone isnt working and now i dont even undwerstand alex's posts!!!oh god!!! im too high to be on the internet!!!!

e wuz parTAYing on new years eve. LOL
remember the cardinal rule: don't post drunk or stoned

well, maybe stoned is ok

Sabazius wrote:

This joke is (c) yours truly XD

I like drinking wine, but you have to be careful. For some reason, people get angry if you tell them you like the taste of a fruity eleven year-old.

not sure i get it..?

fruity = taste of the wine
11yo = age of the bottle
fruity 11yo = me being a paedophile

cue the hilarity ¬_¬

Daughter: Hey mum i'm going to my room with my boyfriend.
Mum: Okay don't do anything stupid.
*.Gf & Bf go into bedroom.*
Daughter screams: Baby, baby, baby ohh!
*.Mum runs into her room.*
Mum: What are you doing!?!?!?!?
Daughter: Mum were having sex, get out!
Mum: Oh thank god i thought you were listening to justing bieber.

Courtesy FB

hahahaha. see THATS funny


alex, buddy...how was i supose t'know the age of the bottle? do i need to give u lessons in humor?

dare de-vil wrote:

hahahaha. see THATS funny


alex, buddy...how was i supose t'know the age of the bottle? do i need to give u lessons in humor?

FFS...
If someone is talking about wine, and refers to an 11yo, that means they are talking about a bottle of wine which was pressed 11 years ago. However, the joke is about the fact that in a different context it is easy to assume that one is not talking about a bottle of wine but about a human being aged 11, which would (falsely) imply that I, the speaker, is a paedophile.

i dont think the typical person wuda assumed it was pressed 11 years ago unless u had mentioned beforehand. so. there. i. win. but. i. still. love. you. alex. :.D.

dare de-vil wrote:

i dont think the typical person wuda assumed it was pressed 11 years ago unless u had mentioned beforehand. so. there. i. win. but. i. still. love. you. alex. :.D.

Just because you're ignorant about wine wuv you too kell

HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woo hoo!!! dead baby jokes!

What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.

What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
The same baby three weeks later.

What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.

What is black and bubbly and taps on glass before it explodes?
A baby in the microwave

Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face!

What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
Ripping it back off.

am i a sick, sick, sick, sick, person?

yes

lol

The Shit List!!!!!

GHOST SHIT. You know you've shitted. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.

TEFLON-COATED SHIT. Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.

GOOEY-SHIT. This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

SECOND THOUGHT SHIT. You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.

POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

WEIGHT WATCHERS SHIT. You shit so much, you lose several kilos.

RIGHT NOW SHIT. You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down.

KING KONG or CHOKER SHIT. This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.

CORK SHIT (also Floater) Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl. You think "SHIT" how do I get rid of it.

WET CHEEKS SHIT. This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.

WISH SHIT. You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight.

CEMENT BLOCK SHIT. You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.

SNAKE SHIT. This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long.

BEER AND PIZZA SHIT. This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD.... usually this one happens at someone else's house, and someone is always waiting outside the toilet door.

MEXICAN FOOD SHIT (or Screamer). You know will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.

i feel so immiture now...

u obviously didnt make that up urself lol. thats gross

Andy1218 wrote:

The Shit List!!!!!

GHOST SHIT. You know you've shitted. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.

TEFLON-COATED SHIT. Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.

GOOEY-SHIT. This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

SECOND THOUGHT SHIT. You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.

POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

WEIGHT WATCHERS SHIT. You shit so much, you lose several kilos.

RIGHT NOW SHIT. You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down.

KING KONG or CHOKER SHIT. This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.

CORK SHIT (also Floater) Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl. You think "SHIT" how do I get rid of it.

WET CHEEKS SHIT. This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.

WISH SHIT. You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight.

CEMENT BLOCK SHIT. You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.

SNAKE SHIT. This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long.

BEER AND PIZZA SHIT. This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD.... usually this one happens at someone else's house, and someone is always waiting outside the toilet door.

MEXICAN FOOD SHIT (or Screamer). You know will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.

i feel so immiture now...

My roommate has a more complete list that he showed me early last semester. I find them both hilarious and retarded.

Kinda old joke, but oh well.

Do you speak English?
Yes
Name?
Adolf Bumin.
Sex?
3 to 5 times a week.
No, I mean..male/female?
Yes, male,female and sometimes camels.
Holy cow!
Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general.
Oh dear,
No, deer runs too fast.