Chapter 9: You Got Mail

I was on AIM when I saw a screen name pop up on that I hadn't seen in some time. I smiled, knowing what they did.

I replied...


**********

2 Years Before



It'd been a horrible year since I was outed at Jason's party. For the last year, I had been going through depression. I was a cutter. I drank. I smoked pot. I smoked cigarettes. There were no other forms of relief for me. My neighbor, who was a druggie himself, got me a lot of these things. I was sure my parents noticed, but they didn't seem to care.

But just because he got me what I needed didn't mean we were friends, which I had run out of by this point. Some I lost because of my sexual orientation. Some left because we just drifted apart. Others were because of my new little habits. I didn't care. I didn't need friends. What I needed was a joint, some Jose Cuervo & my razor to keep me going.

I hated Ted.

He had loved me. He had been the first & only person I ever loved with all my heart in a romantic sense. Never had my feelings gone down or diminished from the day we met. We'd been lovers, soul mates, partners. Then he ditched me. Left, without ever saying bye, or even an explanation as to why.

About a few months into my depression, I had come across a little light of hope.

I received an IM from a boy, about my age, just a little younger, who lived in Maine.

He told me that a friend of his had shown him the picture of me kissing Ted at the old party. I asked him who his friend was & how he saw it & why he was talking to me.

He told me not to worry about who his friend was & he said it was sent to a special e-mail account he had. He wanted to know about me.

Figuring the kid wasn't going to leave me alone, I decided to talk to him.

I mentioned how I had loved my boyfriend, Ted, for two years. I said to him how much he meant to me & how every breath used to be a sigh of relief for me knowing that I had someone who loved me so deeply I could share anything with them, no matter what. I explained that it wasn't fair that I had to be mocked for who I was & who I loved.

The boy agreed with me about unfair it all was, but that realistically, I would have to live with the part of society that didn't accept us, that wouldn't accept us.

Us?


----


"us. im gay 2" he sent.

I didn't know what to do. I hadn't expected him to be gay like me.

"so y r u talkin 2 me rly?" I typed.

"i wanna help u."

"help me w/ wat?" I sent.

"dealing w/ ur breakup, among the other things in ur life that r hurting u."

I frowned.

"and wat exactly is 'hurting me' then?" I asked.

"urself."

I thought about what he was saying. He obviously knew somehow that I was drinking & hurting myself. I wanted to know how he knew, but I just couldn't ask. He was higher than me & clearly trying to tell me something, but I didn't want to listen. I didn't want to know.

"k idk who u think u r, but leave me alone. if i wanna drink, and smoke and cut, then ill do it. and u cant do a thing about it asshole," I entered.

"come on nick, u gotta let me help u."

"kid, leave me the fuck alone!" I almost felt like screaming at the monitor.

"not happening."

He wasn't getting it. I didn't want his damn help! I didn't help in general!

"this conversation is over. bu-bye!"

I was just about to click out of the chat when the boy sent one more message to me. And to be honest...it was a message that would basically save my life afterward.

"fine, walk out," he replied.

I stared at the screen.

"walk out, just like ted walked out on u. u say that ted was the best thing in ur life? i bet he helped u thru things, didnt he? well guess wat nick, now ur being offered sum more help and wat do u do? u throw that offer away. ur turning ur back on ppl who r trying 2 help u. ur pretty much turning ur back on ted."

My stomach was caught in my throat.

"he turned his back on me!" I smashed into the keyboard.

"well if ur this selfish, then maybe u deserved it."

A silent cry escaped my throat. At first, I wanted to kill this kid. He had no right to barge in on my life & insult me. But what he was saying slowly came to me. It hadn't been my fault, but what I was doing to cope with it was. The boy wanted to help me. Ted had wanted to help me. I had turned down the boy's help. I had turned down Ted. And no matter how much I hated Ted, I couldn't bring myself to do what he had done to me. As I began contemplating what I was doing to myself, a small tear trickled down my face.

"idk wat 2 do..." I typed, free of hope.

"u wanna let me help u out then?"

"yeah."

"ok..."


----



"its been a while," I typed.

"yes it has."

"so how u been gurl freeen?"

"lol. eh, u know. helpin more ppl."

"same. i kinda like, owe everything 2 u lol."

"u can pay me some other time," my friend sent.

"can i pay in my own labor?" I asked.

"i dont get it."

"well...i sorta started helpin other gay ppl w/ their issues, at least im tryin 2. like u helped me."

He didn't respond for a few seconds.

"so howz it goin?"

"i guess its goin good. omg! the kid ive been helpin...hes also a major hottie. ahh!"

"r u in luv w/ him?" he entered.

"idk. i mean, hes so sweet and hes major hawt, not 2 mention hes a star athlete, an A student AND i get that vibe he likes me," I told him. Images of Taylor flashed through my mind.

Lately, I had been feeling emotionally close to him. To be honest, I WAS falling for him. He was sincere, smart, HOT, caring, sympathetic & fair. To me...he was perfect. The last 11 months had been some of the most interesting in my life & there was just something about them that made me never want to leave them. I wanted to be in this infinite world of being a form of a teacher to Taylor Kipps.

"careful nick...getting involved w/ ur friend is dangerous. it might create bad grounds 4 u guys 2 keep ur friendship," he warned.

"wat r u sayin then?"

"don't attach urself to this boy."

"ill be careful. im not gonna re-live the past."

"i hope so, 4 ur sake," he entered.

We talked some more for a few more hours that day, catching up on the last year that had gone by since we spoke last. It had been too long & there was so much to catch up. Here was one of the most amazing people I had ever met in my life. He had helped me long distance through my alcohol use, drug use, pot use, cutting, but most of all...he helped me find who I really was. Not just some lonely, depressed faggot who thought he had the best of the world but then had it torn from my fingertips.

"well i g2g. my two locals are inviting me and some other friends to the movie's. so ill ttyl?" he typed.

"yea, def. nice talkin 2 u again. bbs kay?"

"i will. bye Nick."

"bye Mark."

I, too, signed out of AIM & went about my regular day.

Whatever a regular day was to me.