Chapter 18: Walk Down Memory Lane

"Hey Connor," said Jenny as she walked by me in the hallway.

"Hi," I smiled.

"That's what, four girls today to randomly say 'hi Connor'?" Jacob asked effeminately as we sat down at the lunch table.

"Three girls. Rachel Aronson doesn't count. Not with that mustache," I said.

I had come to two conclusions as to why people, mostly girls, had been...acknowledging me lately. Either it had finally reached some of my classmates that I was gay, or I was being pranked somehow. I was really hoping it was the latter, because I could have used a laugh.

"If you ask me, they all know you're gay by now Connor," Jacob said.

"That's what I need right Jacob, thanks."

"I'm just sayin'."

"Yeah well stop sayin' stuff," I said.

We sat quietly while the cafeteria filled up.

"Look...I'm sorry for being a dick, ok? But I just think that if you accept yourself quicker, this is all gonna be a lot easier, comin' out" he said.

"I DO accept myself. It's the other people."

"You mean the school? A lot of this school is gay-friendly."

"I know that."

"So then what's the problem?"

"I don't know, ok? I know I have nothing to worry about. My friends & family would all still love me, I know that. It's just...I dunno. You wouldn't understand."

I bit into my ham & cheese sandwich. I glanced over at Travis who was talking with his friends.

"You're right," he said.

I turned back to him.

"What?" I said with a mouth full of food.

"You're right, I wouldn't understand."

"About what?"

Jacob shrugged.

"What it'd be like having family that would still love me, kids in school that don't treat me like shit."

"What are you talking about? You're family is pretty cool, & no one in this school is like that."

"Not anymore."

"Huh?"

"Do you remember three years ago when a lot of our grade was harassing me?"

"Yeah. Wasn't that because you ratted a kid out for sellin' dope?"

"No. It was because everyone found out I was gay."

"How?"

"Well I had my locker open one day & a picture of my then-boyfriend & me kissing fell out. Before I could pick it up, Zack Glasberg picked it up & started tellin' everyone."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, I know."

"Who was the boy?"

"An ex-boyfriend named Mark."

"Oh. Does he live around here?"

"No, he lives in northern New England. Maine I think."

"Ok."

"Yeah. Well as you know, most of the entire school bullied me for the next six months."

"What happened after that?"

"Mason came out, which took some of the crap off me. And then a year later, Krista & Eddie came out as bi. By then, a lot of the people who were harassing us either got bored, or they decided just to deal with apparently 'so many gay people' in our grade. Since then, they're actually pretty nice to us."

"Doesn't sound like you have a problem."

"Pft," he scoffed, "That's at school. Home is...different."

I must have had a confused look on my face because he put down his drink.

"My family hates it."

"They do?"

"Well, my parents deal with it, they don't really care. But my sister & the rest of my family all hate it. Aunts, uncles, cousins, my grandparents."

"Even your grandma? I met her a long time ago & she seemed pretty cool."

"That was my other grandma. This one is my mom's mom. My dad's mom died a few years ago. Fucking stairs."

I watched Jacob as he ate his lunch. He seemed to be angry. But not regular angry. I had a feeling he had a lot of anger bottled up inside him. The little things were noticeable to me: the way he chewed, the way he picked up a chip, the way he blinked, the way he sat, the way he breathed. A twinge of guilt sat in my stomach. I knew for sure Jacob was still friends with our old group, the people who sat here. But I remember that he & I had been best friends when we were little. I didn't know if he ever made a new "best friend" after we split up. He could have probably used one when his family seemed to reject him, his grandma died & he was being bullied.

"So the rest of your family is religious?" I asked him.

He laughed.

"Hell no. They're the kind of homophobes who hate gays because they think it's disgusting, not because it's morally wrong & against the Bible."

"Oh."

Within a couple more minutes, the cafeteria was filled up. Our friends started sitting down. I said my heys & sups when Jacob asked if I wanted to take a walk. I said sure. We got up & started walking through the halls.

I don't know if you know what it's like to spend alone time with someone who used to be your best friend but is now just getting back in your life. It was nice, walking around with Jacob.

"What have I missed?" I asked.

"A lot," he said.

"Our relationships, our problems, our highs & lows, our get-togethers. You missed a lot over the years Connor."

I looked at the ground.

"I know."

"Why?"

"I dunno. I guess I just drifted apart from you guys."

"I don't mean the group. I mean me."

I looked at him.

"You & me fought a lot when he got a bit older. We could never agree on anything. That's why. I didn't wanna ruin our friendship over arguments."

"So you didn't wanna even try & fix things?"

"I thought it'd be easier to avoid the problems & arguing all together. I guess it wasn't the best idea."

"Yeah," he replied.

"I got some issues of my own now," I said, rubbing the top of my nose between my eyes.

"I've heard."

"What?! None of you guys have siblings in the middle school, how do you know?" I said, surprised that Jacob knew about how Travis & I got caught with our pants down.

"Connor, I am the 'leading gay' in this school system. I know all this kind of stuff around here," Jacob smiled.

"How much of the school knows I'm gay?" I asked quietly as several students walked by.

"Not too many. But at the rate it's going, a lot of people will know soon."

"How can you tell?"

"Well, it's pretty simple. Two people find out, they tell two more, then they tell two more & so on."

I sighed.

"Don't worry about it."

"I know. I know the school & my family would be ok with it, but...I dunno."

"You seriously got nothin' to worry about."

"What about my brother?"

Jacob shrugged.

"That's a problem he has to deal with himself."

"Dude, I can't just LET my little brother get bullied because of me," I said.

"I didn't say that. But he has to know for himself how to deal with something that's out of his control. You can't always be there Connor," he said.

"I can try."

We walked around the halls again until we eventually ended up at the cafeteria again.

"What were you guys talkin' about?" Mason asked.

"Just stuff," Jacob smiled at me as he put an arm around my shoulder. Just then, two boys in my grade walked by, looked at each other & snickered. I nudged Jacob's arm off my shoulder. When the boys had walked by, I looked over at Travis at his table. He smiled understandingly at me.

I invited Jacob over to my house after school. We hung out, watched tv, played video games, talked & just enjoyed each others company. After he left, I called Travis & he came over to sleep over. We ended fooling around. Six times actually.

As Travis got off my bed for the last time that night, I thought about Jacob. I could sense there was still tension coming from him about how I had sort of left him. The truth was, I DID feel bad. After all the arguing we had had, & then for me to just basically just walk away...I didn't blame him at all. But I had earned my punishment. Until I met Travis, I was a loner. No friends, no one to talk to, no one to hang out with. No one to be friends with. But since becoming friends with the old gang again, I had been much happier, especially with Jacob. I loved Travis. He was my boyfriend, my soul mate, my lover. But it felt nice to have a best friend...or at least reaching best-friend status again. Especially now, since I was having issues with Chris.

Suddenly, I felt I was being stared at. I looked to my side. Travis' head was resting right on the edge of my bed, watching me.

"Do you have any idea how fucking creepy that is?" I smiled.

"Watcha' thinkin' 'bout?"

I shrugged. "Don't worry about it."

"Can I not worry 'bout it while my dick is in your ass?" he asked.

I chuckled.

"Sure," I responded.

He climbed into bed with me.

Seven.