Jokes Thread

i told the cat joke 2 my friend zach 2day. he was laughing lol

I know, I'm laughing about it again. I mean, I hate the joke cuz I'm a cat person & love my kitties so much, but serioulsy, it is very funny to the thought. I told some friends today too, and yes they laughed about it. thx though.

NO, I'm talking about the video I embedded -- did anyone watch it??

LAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH OUUUUTTTTTT LOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!

Best line is 'he also has blue eyes.' Yes, that IS a common feature of those vile homosexuals. /sarcasm

Sabazius wrote:

Best line is 'he also has blue eyes.' Yes, that IS a common feature of those vile homosexuals. /sarcasm

**wants blue eyes**
Except blue eyes would utterly clash with my hair and skin tone.
**still wants blue eyes**

lol

OThat is freakin hilarious Alex. I just read it & am still laughing. I second Kell's post on LOL. And the blue eyes & no muscles, I agree with the woman. Those scrawny blue eyed freaks are always the gay ones. Oops, that's me. Well, I guess I'm right, we are gay, hehehe. The voice part is wrong though. Look at Tyler & I, we both have deep voices, so that isn't always true. Either way, I loved the post. Actually, I love this topic set on here. Awesoem job vene more Alex.

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighbors for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime---Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the another nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Dont you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well if i took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20."

A man goes to see his doctor for an annual checkup. After a brief listen to the man's heart and lungs, the doctor sighs and says,"Mr. Smith, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masterbating." "What, Why???" the man asks.

The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

LMFAO!!!

Little Johnny sat in the classroom. The teacher says, "Class, if you can tell me who said these quotes, I'll let you leave early." The class agree & the questions started.
"First, who said four score and seven years ago?" Nancy beats Johnny to the answer & shouts, "Abe Lincoln!" The teacher says, "Nancy you can leave." "Second, who said ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for you?" "John Kennedy", shouts out Susan. The teacher says, "Very good Susan. You can leave." Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut." The teacher, with a surprised look on her face responds by asking, "WHO SAID THAT?!"

Johnny said, "Tiger Woods! Can i leave now?"

I luv ya Tiger, but the joke was too good to pass up in posting, haha.

Theres a guy sitting in the bus next to a nun and asks her if she wanted to fuck. She was like, "No, I'm really religious and want to keep my virginity till i reach heaven." So then the nun gets up and gets off the bus at the next stop. Then the bus driver asks the guy if he wanted to know how to fuck the nun? The guy said, "Yeah!", so the bus driver tells him that the nun goes to the cemetery every night and prays. And that he should just dress up like jesus and tell her, You have to let me fuck you so you can go to heaven." That same night, the guy goes to the cemetery and finds the nun. He tells her that he's Jesus and they have to fuck." She says, "Okay, but plez do it anally because I wants to keep my virginity." So they do it and when finished, the guy starts laughing & says, "Haha, I fooled you. It's me, the guy from the bus." So the nun turns around takes off her mask and says, No, haha, its me the bus driver!"

OK, normally I hate using this word & say "Passing Gas", but it's in the joke, so I will type it. Hope it's fuinny for you guys.

Next time you fart (pass gas), turn to the nearest person and say... "Did you hear that Asshole talk shit behind my back?!?"

Ok, so a Policeman on his horse says to a little girl on her new bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes!" she replies happily. "Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year", and the Policeman handed her a ticket of £5 ($20 in the US). The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, "Nice horse, you've got there. Diid Santa bring you that?" The Policeman chuckles and replies, "Yes, he sure did!" Then the little girl says quietly, "Well, next year, tell Santa the fuckin dick goes under the horse and not on it!"

OUCH!

Little Johnny was playing with his train. He says "All you fuckin people who wanna get off the train get off. And all you fuckin people who wanna get on the train get on!" Shocked, his mother sends him to his room for 30 minutes to think about his aweful language. When his time was up, he comes back and sits down. He says "Im sorry Mommy". "Ok Johnny, you can go play with your trains again." she says. So little Johnny continues, "All you nice people who wanna get on the train get on. And all you nice people who wanna get off the train get off. And all you nice people who wanna complain about the 30 minute delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"

It's thanksgiving, and a little boy is in his kitchen and he hears his parents fighting. The dad calls the mom a bitch and the mom calls the dad a bastard. Later he asks his mom what a bitch is. She says a bitch is a lady and a bastards a gentleman. Okay he says and runs to the backyard and heres the neighbors say, "Stick your penis in my vagina!". The little boy runs inside and asks his mom what a penis and a vagina is and she says a penis is a hat and a vagina's a coat. Then tells him to go get ready. He runs upstairs and he hears his dad say, "shit!" He asks his dad, "What shit?" and the dad replies it's what he's putting on my face right now. The little boy says okay and goes to get ready. When finsihed, he walks downstairs to find his mom carving the turkey. While doing this, she cuts her hand and says "fuck!" The little boy says, "What's fuck??" The mom says its what she is doing to the turkey. A few minutes pass and then guests start arriving. The little boy goes and answers the door and says, "Hello bitches and bastards, can i take you penises and vaginas? My dad's upstairs wiping shit on his face, and my mom's in the kitchen fucking a turkey!"

Hey, first Merry Christmas to Everyone (everyone that celebrates that particular holiday). And if not, well, Happy Holidays then.

And second, just remember this guys, ...

If you wake up on christmas morning with a funny taste in your mouth. Just remember "Santa only cums once a year" ...

A little boy walks out of the bathroom and tells his mom, "Mom I need some Viagra." She says, "What! Why do you need Viagra!" He then proceeds to tell her, "Cause I have diarrhea." The mom says, "So how will Viagra help?" and he then says, "Well you always tell daddy it will make his shit hard!"

Turn your screen, your head or this message on its side and look at the following 3 letters.

OGC

Now doesn't that look like a masterbating stick man.

One day in school, the teacher decided to play a game with the children while teaching 'em too.
She had the children began by identifying Lifesaver flavors by their color.

Red...Cherry
Yelow..Lemon
Greeen..Lime
Orange..Orange

Finally, the teacher gave them all HONEY Lifesavors. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesavor out & yelled. "Oh my god! they're Assholes!"

What does burnt toast and a Pregnant Woman have in common?

In both cases, he wishes he took it out just a little sooner.

Question: Which body part of a man..

Has no bone,
Is usually full of veins
Loves pumping and responsible for makin love?

Answer: HEART!!! but I luv the way you guys are thinking, lol.

Ok, New Years Resolution Time. In 2010, I'm cuttin back on mastrabating. I'm only goin to whack it on days that start with the letter T.

Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tonite, & Tomorrow.

What's better than Roses on a Piano?

Tu-lips on my Organ!