Jokes Thread

A boy is in class and the teacher says to him, "Sammy, please use the word handsome in a sentence." So Sammy says, "Sometimes when I'm giving head to Tyler and my jaw gets tired, I use my handsome."

Hahaha, Sorry guys, I just had to change the names in this joke to fit me, cuz it's so true, hehe.

irishboi69 wrote:

Ok, New Years Resolution Time. In 2010, I'm cuttin back on mastrabating. I'm only goin to whack it on days that start with the letter T.

Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tonite, & Tomorrow.

omg lol, that's funny!

i like the candy asshole haha

i didnt even realize that i missed like 5 jokes on the previous page lol. wow little johnny must be quite a handful haha

I know, I was thinking the same thing after posting all of them. I thought, "Geez, I feel bad or fearful of Lil Johnny". This kid has quite a life so far, hehehe.

Ok, here's another one with our favorite lil dude, Little Johnny. And trust me, I do not change the name or anything. These jokes that I get sent to my fon through an App already have the name there. this kid is seriously a well rounded kid. Gawd, I wish I knew the amount of crap he knows when I was that age, lmao.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What's the first part of you to go to heaven?" Little Johnny says, "Your feet!" . The teacher, looking questionably asks him, "Why Johnny?" Little Johnny says, "Because my mom always has hers in the air saying Ohh God I'm cummimg..."

An Italian and a Greek argue about which culture is superior. The Greek guy says, "We invented sex!" to which the Itallian replies, "But we were the first to introduce it to women!!!"

Gotta love those Greek Guys, hehe.

A 7 yo boy and his 17 yo brother share a room where they have bunk beds. One day, the mom tells her oldest son, "Your brother is taking a nap on his bed. Please watch him and I'll be back later." So the 17 yo calls his BF and says, "My mom's gone. Come over and let's fuck." Eagerly, the BF comes over and they strip all their clothes off and climb on the top bunk. So the 17 yo boy says, "Say Tomato if you want it Softer and Lettuce if you want it Harder." So they're up there going at it, and the BF kept saying, "TOMATO! LETTECE! TOMATO! LETTECE!" Well suddenly, the 7 yo brother wakes up and starts shouting from the bottom bunk, "Stop making Sandwiches. You're getting MAYONNAISE all over me!!!!!!!"

Spell ihop and say "Niss" at the end, lmao.

A guy walks into a Sperm Donor Bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the male-nurse and demands him to open the Sperm Bank Vault. He says "But sir, its just a Sperm Bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" ,he replies. So he opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" ,he looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" ,"DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as wel!." ,so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples, the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

If I ever had a race horse, I would name it My-face. I mean, just imagine all those people in the stands chanting, "Cum on My-face. You can do it!"

Just so everyone knows, this is how my family celebrates Christmas...

We are so poor, that in our house on Christmas morning, if we don't wake up with an Erection, we have nothing to play with.

The teacher ask Little Johnny, "Why is your cat at school today?" Little Johnny, crying said, "Because at breakfast this morning, I heard my Daddy say to my Mommy, I'm going to eat that pussy after the kids leave for school."

There is a buisness man who has a VERY horny wife, and has to leave away over the weekend. Afraid she will cheat on him, he goes down to a sex shop to get some toys. The man browsed around and an old chinese man appeared. The buisness man explained his situation to the old man. The old man chuckled and pulled an old box with ancient writing out and opened it and said, "voo doo dick the door." The voo doo dick raised up and started fucking the door violently, then he said, "voo doo dick the box" and it came back. The business man said immediately, "I'll take it!" The buisness man hurried up and left.

The buisnessman took it home and told his wife, "All you have to say is, voo doo dick my _____ and it will fuck it."

The next morning, the business man left and his wife was feeling VERY horny, so she pulled it out and said, "voo doo dick my pussy" and out it jumps and goes to action. This was the best sex she had ever had and hours later, she realized that he didn't tell her how to take it out. She tried pulling it out, but failed. So she grabbed the box and drove to the hospital, but on her way there, she had a massive orgasm and started swerving. A cop sees this and pulls her over and ask her, "Why are you driving like this?" She says "I'm sorry officer. I'm going to the hospital cuz I have a voo doo dick in my pussy and can't get out!"

The cop, assuming she is telling a story, screams at her saying, " VOO DOO DICK MY ASS!!!!"

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP:

1. It's important to have a man who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job;
2. It's important to have a man who can make you laugh;
3. It's important to have a man you can trust and who would never lie to you;
4. It's important to have a man who is good in bed and likes being a lil wild with you;
5. AND THIS IS ABOLUTELY FUCKING IMPORTANT! It's important that these 4 men don't know each other.

So before I met Tyler, I registered on a Dating Website called eharmony.com. The sad part though was that my profile was denied. I guess the admin ppl just didn't like the answer to my question, "What would you like in another man?" .... Apparently "My Cock" is a wrong answer.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below zero to 300 degrees Celsius.

The russians just used a pencil. Can you spell FAILURE.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

The man convict joke is hilarious. I've heard that one before several times, and find it so funny everytime I hear or read it. Thx for sharing dude.

Oh, and the NASA joke, that one is new, but is so believable too. Leave it to the liquiored up ppl to use something so simple, haha. Thx for that one. I so gotta tell my co-workers & friends.

hahah thanks

Love the convict joke haha

hahaha

lol. thats strangely funny!

i know lol

LETS PLAY 'WOULD YOU RATHER?'!!




wud u rather interact only w/ 15 yr olds 4 the rest of yer life or interact w/ only 60 yr olds 4 the rest of yer life?