Coming Out

Well, I'm sorry if it was too personal, even though I don't see how personal it is wheb compared to asking a person about their coming out story. So kell, back off

no, dont tell me wat t'do. asking sum1 if theyre gonna hav kids is a lil more personal than asking bout their coming out

Maybe, but I just don't see how. For me asking someone's coming out story is much more personal than asking whether they want to have kids.

ok

Ok.

OKOKOKOK then

Erm... Ohhhh-kayyy

I'm new to this forum thing, i guess i need help guys!

I feel like i need to stop lying to myself and just scream out, I'm GAY!!! or something lol. I feel like when im surrounded with friends im not really there. I guess my biggest fear is rejections among my friends and family. I mean i keep playing the scenario over and over again in my head what the outcome would be if i just blurt it out during family dinner. My parents are the best fucking parents in the world. I love them and i know they would understand, disappointed but they will understand. My sister will also understand we've always been close since we are only a year or so apart. My younger brother, who is 18 now is what worries me the most. I'm close to him as hell but from i see he isn't going to be so keen with his brother being gay. So i guess i fear his rejection more than i fear my parents, since there has been time when we fought and he has called me a 'fag' in which my parents over heard and scolded him about it, i don't know...i feel like by not coming out im bottling way too much emotions inside me. There have been time when i couldn't concentrate because so many thing were going on in my head that i just took off running. I never had a boyfriend, that's one of the reason why i saw no reason to come out, i always tell myself that once there is a reason to come out then i would, and thats falling in-love.

Needless to say i have a few friends who are gay, they suspected that i am but i was quick to assure them they're mistaken. Now looking back i should had said that i am to. I dunno i guess im more confuse than i thought, i want kids in my future.

...i dunno what the hell i want...i just want everything to fall into place! anyway guys if you got any ideas please help.

Hey, xstinger03x, welcome to the forum.

It is always difficult to give advice, which is what it sounds like you are asking for. Every situation is different. BUT, it sounds like you have a fairly good relationship w/ your parents and that is a good start. My suggestion would be to come out to them privately first. Tell them you need to talk with them about something personal and important and you need their advice on how to deal with it. I know this would be scary as hell but you can do it. Just tell them what you've told us, basically, especially about your concern regarding your brother. If your parents are good parents, and it sounds like they are, it will help you to know that they know and they might be able to help you with your brother, too. It is ok to tell them you are confused about all this and need their help in coming to terms with it. I hope I'm right about that!

Are there any gay community organizations you could join where you are? That can also be a big help. You might want to do a google for PFLAG and see if there is a chapter near you. If you need any 'hand holding' through this, I (for one) am happy to do what I can. I'll gladly answer any questions. And it is ok to feel the way you feel -- scared, confused, or whatever. That is pretty much to be expected.

Hope this helps!

Best,

Mike

Edit to add: Chicago PFLAG:
http://www.pflagchicago.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=89:articlechicagolandchapters&catid=55:categorychicagoland&Itemid=72

Hello xstinger03x, its a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Welcome.

Like Mike has said before me, its difficult to give advice to you because of the unique circumstances of your life. I can empathize with how you have to be feeling right now considering that you're just starting to feel like you want to come out of the closet.
If you'd like, could you tell us a little more about yourself and your situation, like if you live with your family or stuff like that.
I will agree with Mike that its a good idea to try and find a support group in the area to network with, not only are they good places to go if you need someone to talk to, but the denizens of the groups are good people too, nice to just hang out with them.

Once again, welcome to Kbb forum, hope things work out for you.

hey man wats up?

1st off, id like 2 say that honestly, looking on a forum 4 other ppl 2 help u come out 2 ppl probly isnt the best thing 2 do. we dont know wat the ppl in yer life r like, weve never met them. & 4 us 2 give u advice on how 2 do it, i just dont think itll help. honestly, no matter wat ne of us tell u u shud do, i highly doubt ull do it neway. just bcuz we're not in yer shoes. so basically, u need 2 find yer own method of coming out 2 yer family & friends

BUT

if u want my 2 cents neway, regardless of my warning, here it is:

1) quit denying yer gay wen yer friends say sumthin. if they say sumthin, laugh it off, or jokingly go along w/ it. i used 2 deny it wen i was younger, but wen i was 15, i started laughing it off & it turned out, that helped a lot.

2) just bcuz sum1 calls sum else gay or fag, dusnt make them homophobic. its a social thing. its like the word retarded. just bcuz sum calls sumthin or sum1 retarded dusnt mean they dont like ppl who r mentally disabled. so wen it comes 2 yer brother, u need 2 assume that hes neutral & NOT assume he wont like it. realistically, he might be a lil..."weirded out" that his brother is attracted 2 boys, but he'll either get over it & accept it, or he wont & ull just hafta live w/ him either way.

3) personally, i think the 1st thing ne1 needs t'do b4 they come out, is find out other ppl's reaction 2 sum1 being gay. make up a story. "oh mom, i just found out my friend bob is gay." or if yer talking 2 yer friends, do sumthin like "hey guys, i just found out my cousin bob is gay." sumthin like that. depending on how they act & respond, hopefully ull get an idea of how they wud treat u if u were 2 come out 2 them

4) i highly suggest not sitting down & just talking 2 them about it. it makes the atmosphere awkward, especially wen the conversation is over & then every1 gets up & walks off 2 do their own thing. wen u think yer fully ready 2 do it, dont make a big thing over it. make the atmosphere as casual as possible. maybe chuckle a bit wen u say "im gay", idk. sumthin 2 make it more comfortable & easier

5) support groups, maybe like a GSA or sumthin r great if yer ok w/ ppl possibly finding out & then possibly spreading rumors. typically, if a boy is in a gay group meeting thing or w/e, its automatically assumed hes gay. & if yer not ok w/ that, then dont do it. otherwise, i supose theyre an ok idea

6) the sooner the better BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN TO RUSH. taking 2 long t'do it will make it harder 2 come out but rushing it will make u panic & things can get messed up in the process. dont freak out

7) good luck

dare de-vil wrote:

dont freak out

Always good advice. LOL!

Quote :

7) good luck

Ditto.

Thanks for the great advice, every little things help me come into terms on where i'm at in life.

Dare de-vil, Painter, and painservedcold. Thanks for the advice.

By the way Dare De-vil love the story, got hooked on Nick and Taylor, cant wait for the next chapter. What a talented writer at such a young age, i'm guessing you started writing at a very young age. Can't wait to read more of your stories.

I'm in college, about to graduate. I don't live at home nor do i plan in going back to living at home. I currently attend Southern Illinois University and i chose to live far off from home in thinking that i could be myself and start off in a clean slate. Basically tell people that i am gay. Funny thing is how could i be 23 and be so freaking confused about where i'm going. I feel like the lies just buried me and i got comfortable in them. Even when i was away from home i couldn't bring myself to tell my Roommates and new friends that im gay. I envy the younger generation now a days with so much courage to come out. I continued to live the way i did back when i was home, its kinda crazy how i fell into the same routine. Its sad really cause even though we are such tight-nit family i find myself drifting away. I ignore my parents call for weeks at a time when im in school and when i'm at home i try to live the house as often as i could manage. Now that im about to finish school all i keep thinking about is moving to a different state. I don't want to distance myself from them but thats the only thing i could think of doing. I finish this coming spring and my parents doesn't even have a clue what they paid for all this years. I understand what you guys are saying and you guys are all right with what you said about this is about me and such. I feel trap and lost. I feel like being like this is so much harder than acting normal. I want to go out there and experience life as i was meant to experience, i want to surround myself with people who are like me. But from a distance all i see is sex, sex, and more sex lol. I'm a typical guy, old fashion. Don't get me wrong i love sex, but i have a feeling i'll love it more with guys. The gay community i see around me is somewhat of a lifestyle i dont fit in. I can't have casual hook-ups, i mean i've had my one night stand with girls and whatnot but with guys i want it to be more than that and i feel like its going to be hard as hell to find that. I don't know. I feel like im going to be running away from this until i hit a wall and i'm cornered haha.

(going off the subject)
Don't get me wrong, i tried to date guys, HARD AS HELL when your in a closet in a small college community where everyone knows you. I fell head over heals for a guy once, I thought he was the one who will give me the strength to come out. He was out to everyone, we 'dated' no sexual relationship for 3 months. It was hard dodging questions like...Why you hanging out with him so much, why are you guys together all the time, and so on. Then one day he just ended it. Done. Lets just be friends. Wow, it hurt but i couldn't show it. I started thinking to myself, is it because i didn't want to have sex? was it something i did? So i did what everyone else would do, i erased him. It sucks cause when he sees me out with friend he would sneak behind me and give me a hug, i know he does it front of my friends because he knows how uncomfortable it makes me feel. Some how i know that it was my fault that we didn't work out and so i vowed to come out before i ever try it again. I want to, but its so hard to take off the mask i've created. I keep thinking, will i still be treated the same way?

I was thinking that if anything my first stage is to come out to my Best Friend. I'm thinking of doing it this thanksgiving break....I dont know how to start it. He always takes me out to lunch everytime i come home, so i was thinking on making a toss to my upcoming graduation and be like..."heres to college and me being gay"

God i wish i could just write a letter to my family and disappear for a year or so. I've been thinking that after my graduation that i'd move somewhere and not tell anyone. I don't know my life sucks right now.

I can't think of this anymore, its making want to start drinking lol.
So anyway where is everyone from? oh my name is Erick by the way. Oh and i'm studying to be a dentist. I hate it when i think that my life is so horrible, but they aren't. If it wasn't me for being gay i'd say i have it good. I dunno, i guess i'll have to see. Damn i feel like drinking right now haha.

Thanks again. Hope to hear from you guys.

oh by the way i saw you guys had that thread "Very Hot People" mine would be Hunter Parrish!!!!!!

xsting, check your PM box.

Well hello Erick, do you mind if we all call you Erick now instead of by your account name? I'm Trevor by the way. You asked where everyone is from, so I'm happy to say that I'm the forum's resident Canadian. I'm also the part time bitch, so watch out, its nothing personal, just me being blunt as hell. Its nice up here, kinda wet though.

You mentioned that you're in college now, that's really cool, especially since you mentioned you're in dentistry, that's really fascinating stuff (that I wouldn't have a prayer of comprehending) and I hope you're enjoying it so far.

In regards to your comment about how you envy those of us in the younger generation who appear to come out more easily than others in the past may have, its not always as easy as it looks. I can't speak for everyone here, but I know just among my closer gay friends around town, they had to deal with a lot of internal agonizing like you've been going through, and not all of them were as fortunate as you to have a close bond with their parents. Having said that, they all decided that it was easier to just tell the truth and be out than it was to continually lie and masquarade as something we aren't going to be. Its also not fair to friends and family; I know you don't want to risk them rejecting you or being angry at you, but most times it hurts more that they weren't trusted with that kind of information to begin with.
I guess what I'm saying is that I understand your doubts and where you're coming from, but that its not worth it to stay in the closet, regardless of any possible immediate consequences that may occur. You yourself admitted that it feels harder than to act "normal", so why punish yourself and others by staying closeted?

I won't comment on the queer community and the lifestyle you've seen, except to say that not all of us are like that, and its unfortunate that the queer community you've seen is portraying such unfortunate stereotypes about us. Just have to find the right people to hang out with in the community, because there are some real keepers in amongst all the sex crazed ones that seem to have popped up lately. By the way, if you happen to find said keepers, share them with the rest of us?

I'm sorry about your last relationship, that's not fair for him to have left because of something like that, especially if he knew you weren't out of the closet yet. Did you erase him simply because it was a little too awkward to be around him anymore and you were afraid of him accidently outing you?

About your best friend, do you guys often talk about serious things like sexuality and the like? If you two share information like that with each other, you probably would be best off just to come right out and say it, with tact of course.

Hey Erick buddy!

Nick of nicks18 here, your resident Southeast Asian. Yes, live with it!

I know how you feel, I know the situation well. I've been through college and I pretty much did the same thing. A year after college, look where being closeted got me. Still closeted, still cautious of what I say or do, no love life! Dude, seriously, it doesn't change at all unless you do it NOW. Noting that outing yourself is a continuous thing unless you have a shirt that says "Im gay, Im not joking, Im coming out!" I know its difficult, but once you do that first leap, the rest shouldn't be as hard. I did that first step and for me right now, the second is just waiting for the right moment.

BTW Im only 21. I finished a Bachelors Degree in Nursing (I know Im a hero, look at my sig). And stop saying your generation this and that, youre only 23! not 32! were still in the younger generation unless youre talking about 10 and 12 year olds! got it!

nicks18 wrote:

And stop saying your generation this and that, youre only 23! not 32! were still in the younger generation unless youre talking about 10 and 12 year olds! got it!

Off topic, but if we want to be really specific to the point of being assinine, you guys are more Generation Y while us younger folks are actually closer to Generation Z. Folks like me born in 1990 are pretty much stuck between the generations though.
Of course, that's only if you want to be incredibly picky and nitpicky about it.

xstinger03x wrote:

<snip> Funny thing is how could i be 23 and be so freaking confused about where i'm going. I feel like the lies just buried me and i got comfortable in them. Even when i was away from home i couldn't bring myself to tell my Roommates and new friends that im gay.

Everyone is different. It isn't always easy. A lot of it has to do with your environment. We DO live in a homophobic culture and we internalize a lot of that fear as well. Try not to beat up on yourself. Acknowledge that you've taken a step by coming here and talking w/ us. Seriously give yourself credit for that. As you see, you'll get different opinions from different people. Always the case. Ultimately what you decide to do and how you decide to do it is up to you.

xstinger03x wrote:

I envy the younger generation now a days with so much courage to come out. I continued to live the way i did back when i was home, its kinda crazy how i fell into the same routine. Its sad really cause even though we are such tight-nit family i find myself drifting away. I ignore my parents call for weeks at a time when im in school and when i'm at home i try to live the house as often as i could manage. Now that im about to finish school all i keep thinking about is moving to a different state. I don't want to distance myself from them but thats the only thing i could think of doing. I finish this coming spring and my parents doesn't even have a clue what they paid for all this years.

You ARE the "younger generation" so far as I'm concerned. LOL! I put a LOT of distance (physical and psychological) between me and my family. They were 'born again Christians' -- and this was in an era long before this one -- so I never did come out to my parents. I wish I *could have* but I never did but I knew it would just be a mess. I had a lot of negative self-image issues as it was without dealing with their hysteria. I don't doubt I made the right decision for me. However, your situation seems different -- at least so far as I can make out from what you've said. On one hand, it isn't any of their business what you do with your sexuality. On the other hand, families can (sometimes) be a great support to one another dealing with problems. Letting them back in to your life might be difficult for all of you at first but you might find, in time, it will make a big difference in terms of how you feel about them and yourself.

xstinger03x wrote:

I understand what you guys are saying and you guys are all right with what you said about this is about me and such. I feel trap and lost. I feel like being like this is so much harder than acting normal. I want to go out there and experience life as i was meant to experience, i want to surround myself with people who are like me. But from a distance all i see is sex, sex, and more sex lol.

Well, you're not completely wrong about that, unfortunately. When you feel OK about who YOU are, it doesn't matter what other people do or think or say so much, even other gay people. You'll find there are guys like you who want to play around but are also looking for love.

xstinger03x wrote:

I'm a typical guy, old fashion. Don't get me wrong i love sex, but i have a feeling i'll love it more with guys.

Are you saying you've never had sexual experiences with other guys? If not, that's fine, but I'm just wanting to make sure I understand what you mean.

xstinger03x wrote:

The gay community i see around me is somewhat of a lifestyle i dont fit in. I can't have casual hook-ups, i mean i've had my one night stand with girls and whatnot but with guys i want it to be more than that and i feel like its going to be hard as hell to find that. I don't know. I feel like im going to be running away from this until i hit a wall and i'm cornered haha.

Well, we can't run away from ourselves. Not really. People try to through over dosing on drugs or alcohol or sex or movies or the internet (or whatever) but the point is, ultimately we are who we are.

Being gay isn't a choice. However, how you choose to relate to the gay community or gay culture IS a choice. Maybe it would help to think about it this way: Think about how complex the straight world is. There are so many different types of people who want so many different types of things. There are good people and bad people, interesting people and boring people, truly sick people and truly healthy people -- and everything in between. Why would we think the gay 'scene' would be any different?

I don't think many people would find it difficult to 'peg' me as gay. I'm not flamboyant or effeminate. There is nothing about me that 'screams' GAY but, on the other hand, there is nothing about me that 'screams' *straight* either. I'm just me and I also happen to be gay. There is a lot of "gay" stuff that just irks the hell out of me -- it just feels 'forced' and 'unnatural' in some way I can't explain. But the thing is, that is how other people choose to be and if it works for them, who am I to judge them? What good does it do me to judge them? So far as all this is concerned, all that matters is who I am and how I feel about myself. If I feel good about myself, accept myself, then it doesn't matter what they do. Just because other gay men are doing things I find weird (overly fem, overly masculine, leather -- you name it) -- what does that have to do w/ me? My point being, you need to find what is right for you. You'd need to do this if you were straight, too. It is a little more difficult or strange being gay but it can also be very funny and interesting discovering what works for you and what doesn't.

xstinger03x wrote:

Don't get me wrong, i tried to date guys, HARD AS HELL when your in a closet in a small college community where everyone knows you. I fell head over heals for a guy once, I thought he was the one who will give me the strength to come out. He was out to everyone, we 'dated' no sexual relationship for 3 months. It was hard dodging questions like...Why you hanging out with him so much, why are you guys together all the time, and so on. Then one day he just ended it. Done. Lets just be friends. Wow, it hurt but i couldn't show it. I started thinking to myself, is it because i didn't want to have sex? was it something i did? So i did what everyone else would do, i erased him. It sucks cause when he sees me out with friend he would sneak behind me and give me a hug, i know he does it front of my friends because he knows how uncomfortable it makes me feel. Some how i know that it was my fault that we didn't work out and so i vowed to come out before i ever try it again. I want to, but its so hard to take off the mask i've created. I keep thinking, will i still be treated the same way?

Well, first of all, that is a sad story and I'm sorry to hear it. I have my own stories like that. Most people do. Again, beating yourself up doesn't help, though. All we can do is live and hopefully learn.

I understand the concern about people treating you "different" once they know you are gay. Well, it is true, some people will treat you different. A lot of that, I think, is because of the "gay community" being stereotyped. If you say you are "gay" do straight people automatically think you are like some character out of a movie or TV show? It is as if the "gay" identity becomes more important than the ME identity -- as if that is all I am (which isn't the case). I'm ME! Ok, so I'm attracted sexually to the same gender and I want a healthy loving and sexual relationship with another guy who loves me, too. But unfortunately we live in a world that "sees" that a certain way, has opinions about it -- most of them uninformed. BUT if I am just myself, if *I* don't behave differently, although people may treat me a bit different at first when they find out (adjusting to this new information), ultimately most of them will come around. I have a lot of straight friends and for the most part they treat me the way they would teat me if I were straight.

xstinger03x wrote:

I was thinking that if anything my first stage is to come out to my Best Friend. I'm thinking of doing it this thanksgiving break....I dont know how to start it. He always takes me out to lunch everytime i come home, so i was thinking on making a toss to my upcoming graduation and be like..."heres to college and me being gay"

Ok, so you want to come out and you're thinking coming out to your best friend. Sounds good to me, although I don't know whether dropping a bomb shell like that, making a 'toast' (in a sense making light of it), is a good idea. Maybe. {shrug, who knows?} To me it is saying, "I'm too afraid to just tell you the truth so I'm dropping this bomb-shell in a whimsical way hoping you won't totally flip out on me" (or something). I don't do things that way, myself. If I've got something I need to say to someone, I make sure I've got their full attention and I say it flat out.

xstinger03x wrote:

God i wish i could just write a letter to my family and disappear for a year or so. I've been thinking that after my graduation that i'd move somewhere and not tell anyone. I don't know my life sucks right now.

I can't think of this anymore, its making want to start drinking lol.
So anyway where is everyone from? oh my name is Erick by the way. Oh and i'm studying to be a dentist. I hate it when i think that my life is so horrible, but they aren't. If it wasn't me for being gay i'd say i have it good. I dunno, i guess i'll have to see. Damn i feel like drinking right now haha. <snip>

Well "disappearing" is, in a sense, what you HAVE been doing. What "coming out" is all about is "appearing" -- showing up. I spent many years of my life keeping myself "hidden" from the world -- and in many ways I still do. Although I'm very out going on-line (and in real life, too, to some extent), in real life I'm much more reclusive. I like my privacy. I don't socialize much except with a few good friends. But it isn't because I'm gay, it is because that's how I (as a person) am. Maybe the same is true for you, too?

xstinger03x wrote:

oh by the way i saw you guys had that thread "Very Hot People" mine would be Hunter Parrish!!!!!!

K, here ya go then!

Still off topic

I thought of OUR generation as what ive googled
"In their books Generations (1991) and Millennials Rising: The Next Great Generation (2000), William Strauss and Neil Howe use the start year as 1982 and end year of the generation as 2001. They believe that the coming of age of year 2000 high school graduates sharply contrasts with those born before them and after them due to the attention they received from the media and what influenced them politically."

But hey, if you want to be the Generation of the Financially Crisised, then be my guest.

Excuse you, its not financially "crisised" when its self-inflicted

Denial.

Just a statement of fact; its hardly circumstance that makes some of us financially insecure, indeed it is simply how our generation values money and its need for self-fulfillment in the present overruling any future needs. This leads to the chronic search for material wealth and the need to continually acquire more "things" and that causes us to spend money we can't actually afford to spend.

GUYS! if you want to talk about this, why not create a thread just FOR it???

i agree

In regards to the idea of people in the closet being invisible and hiding from the world, that is sometimes a necessity when one isn't sure of the results of coming out. In many cases though, I think the fear of potential reactions is overestimated, since these people who are your friends and family stand by you for a reason, and it shouldn't be something to hide from them since they will most likely accept you unconditionally anyways